[* 21 April 2018

LSD, Weed]

• The true making of life is to truly experience 1 thing to the fullest and can be experienced. The journey of life is finding what that 1 thing is

• I only act when I’m certain. That doesn’t mean I’m bad at making quick decisions. It’s actually the opposite. If I have to make a decision in an instant, I’ll stop collecting and processing data in that instant and choose what feels right. For example, when choosing to go out to eat, I will rarely choose if asked if I want to go somewhere. It’s not that I have no idea, it’s just in still thinking about all the possibilities that would come from my simple decision. However, if someone told me to choose between a couple of places, I would be able to answer confidently my preferred choice, which coincidentally would probably have been the same decision I would have made if asked 50 minutes later.

• My gut insticts on what my next action should be are generally right. The problem is my true passion in life is to study and dissect those insticts. So if I’m given the luxury of time, I’ll do nothing but think, because thinking is what I’m good at and what I enjoy. And since I’m a living and every changing subject, no matter what happens to me is interesting, whether it be “good” or “bad” for my mental and physical health

• The reason I enjoy acid is because all of the false limitations i put on/allow others to put on my life dissappear, so I get to test my capabilities to the maximum. It gives me confidence because every problem feels so small and accomplishable. This is what I assume it normally feels to live without anxiety. If only I could feel like this all the time, life would be so easy

• I’m a long term and short term planner/thinker. It’s the intermediate plan making its what I’m bad at. I’m good at short term, because I know who I am and I know where I’m at in my life. I’m good at long term, because I can imagine where I want to go and how to get there. But the intermediate is the only thing I’m bad at because I lack control over time, and therefore the intermediate’s length. Since I’m the type of person who sees the infinite possibilities between my short term goals and my long term goals, I let the intermediate take control and take its course. The only time I make intermediate plans is if I want to steer my course to make it a little more directed

• If there was ever a medical trial for lsd, I’d be the perfect case study. I literally took a double dose an hour and a half ago, and I functioning like a normal person. I probably couldn’t hold too long of a conversation, but if I was taking lsd medicinally, it would be at much much lower doses, so the few potentially negative side effects would either be mitigated or gotten rid of entirely. The fact I’m smart enough to be a coauthor on this study would also help a lot since I could give the useful info they actually want. Not saying I would skew the data, just that I know what information I’d be looking for

• Acid is just a quicker way to achieve true inner peace and perfect meditation. I believe it’s entirely possible to feel like you’re on acid without taking any. It just takes a lifetime of dedication. That’s why people become recluses and monks, to train themselves to achieve perfect meditation. The greatest minds in history were the ones who discovered the trick to inner peace early on, and gave them the ability to achieve whatever they set out to do. The greatest figures from Aristotle, Galileo, da vinci, to religious figures like Buddha, Jesus, etc.

• So I need to learn how to achieve this ideal state naturally. Taking acid let’s me attain it, but only lasts as long as the drug. Taking acid won’t grant me inner peace, but it gives me the opportunity to study it so I can figure it out on my own.

• I honestly don’t think my condition with my parents will get better unless I either move out or talk to them while on acid. I can never be ever truly honest with them due to some invisible limits and walls that I feel are there that, when on acid, clearly are not. So I either have to figure out how to get passed these walls on my own and away from my parents, or they can get an actual, unfiltered peak of who Noah Sweet is.

• The reason it’s hard for me to make the changes to improve my life is that I feel ashamed when I realize what I have to do, which shouldn’t be the case. It would save everyone a lot of trouble. I knew I needed to stop school, but I refused to admit it. I pretty much ignore the effects of my medication because it’s just a shittier version of lsd, but I’m ashamed to admit to my parents I take acid because drugs like these are such taboo. I wish they would just trust me to know my bodies limits and not do something that would kill me or leave me permanently scarred without having considered the consequences.

• I just need to follow my own life philosophy. Things would be going a lot smoother if I was controlling someone else, but I used my philosophy. So I shoud just start treating myself as a puppet without an ego. The only way to prove I right is to live my life according to my own standards and succeeding not only according to society’s standards, but also the ones that I set that are so much above society’s. I’m not satisfied at succeeding at life. I’m satisfied when I’ve engineered the perfect and ideal experience.

• Discuss Fall Out Boy, Mania

• I’m willing to trade my ego for a perfect life.

• Music has this magical quality that every so often it resonates exactly the same between two souls.

• This album is forcing me to realize there’s still a lot going on about Hattie that I need to adress. Maybe not directly related to her, but whatever void was created when she left.

• “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color,” is a brilliant expression and metaphor for rebellious nature. {source: Wilson (Expensive Mistakes), Fall Out Boy, Mania}

• A good song can create the setting and plot for a story from the instrumental alone.

• I feel like it’s almost my life goal to explore music by creating as many of my own unique experiences in order how to learn how to perfectly empathize with the composer. That’s why I don’t see a difference between good experiences and bad experiences. Because no matter the outcome, the experience has taught me how to feel each individual and unique feeling. To be truly empathetic in all cases.

• The way I look at shit makes me feel like some A.I. learning how to be human.

• It amazes me just how self-creating art is. One art form stimulates another, instantaneously creating a new expression of that art that can be recreated if so desired. For example, when I close my eyes and listen to music, I still “see” pictures. If I want explain these pictures to someone else, I have to create some unique but commonly-accepted expression that both sides understand. One expression would be a painting. Though the painting becomes an accepted thing in reality(everyone agrees on the colors and shapes), the interpretation of that painting is disagreed upon. In order to explain why you disagree, another unique but commonly-accepted expression has to be created. This process then repeats with exponential growth.

• As this process goes to infinity (t = ∞) you’d expect that the ability to misinterpret the expression would approach zero. That’s just an optimization problem. This makes sense, because even two directly opposing sides can understand each other by sheer fact the opposing side is everything that is not itself.

• However, though certain avenues of expression die out, the uncertainty that is created when two separate beings fully agree on and understand each other’s oppinions and still disagree ensures the continuation of expression.

• One avenue to consider is art with truly no meaning is the only “real” art. For something that is made to be disagreed upon creates the infinite fountain of art.

• One possible expression of “real art” would be the natural laws that govern energy and matter. Life has evolved to observe randomness and create a pattern of it. That’s the basis of all science. But when it comes down to it, we’re just interpreting a bunch of random particles and forces and trying to assign a universally understood expression.

• Something that seems easy to do/explain while on acid is probably something I should work in. Clearly when my body is functioning completely different, the things that are still easy to do become a lot more apparent. It makes me realize and study how my mind works naturally.

• Watched don’t hug me I’m scared

• It’s funny how familiarity turns something terrifying into something comforting

• I try not to say anything I don’t mean. My greatest fear is not being able to satisfactorily express myself or ideas. I will practice a simple “hello” in different tones and phrasings just to ensure my intentions are portrayed exactly as pictured. And I do this with every interaction I have. Being able to act and perfectly express my intentions is my dream reality.

Post trip thoughts

• I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with my accomplishments, so I feel like my true life goal is to create or ibspire someone or something to reach the heights I may never be able to

• The reason I don’t fear death is because I’ve already experienced it. I’ve been dead for the past year, my body just decided to keep living.


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