[* May 2020 *]
For five years, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get her back.
But I’ve finally realized that I can’t control that.
Because I can’t control her; that’s why I love her so much.
I have finally accepted that I truly want you.
I’ve explored galaxies and beyond.
And although my discoveries and experiences have brought me to incredible destinations,
destinations far beyond the limits of my being,
nothing has quite compared.
I’ve experienced self-realization/enlightenment/spiritual fulfillment/nirvana/heaven/god/paradise/whatever the hell you want to call.
Whatever name it goes by, I have experienced perfection.
Experiencing perfection changes your life – no your very being – in a indescribable way.
Not only are you certain of yourself,
but also of the cocoon of existence known as our reality.
As a philosopher, my one true calling – my purpose for the gift of life and consciousness – is to experience perfection.
To be able to describe perfection.
To prepare me for whatever may exist outside the safety and comfort of sanity and logic.
And although I’ve been given 100 years to achieve this,
I’ve accomplished this goal in a quarter of the time.
But even though I have achieved my goal,
if only partially,
the most enlightening revelation I’ve had is how easily and how quickly I would trade it all for her.
We are trapped in our existence until our goal is achieved,
cursed in the painful cycle of trial and fail.
We strive for enlightenment,
since that is the only way to break from the cycle.
But I would be more than willing to suffer through many lifetimes of pain,
if only for the chance to experience her beautiful perfection once again.
I don’t know how to describe it,
but she has somehow surpassed perfection.
I don’t know if I find it funny or frustrating,
but somehow I’ve found the answers to God before the answers to her.
How can something be greater,
be more complex,
be everything and more than infinity?
Than all of reality and beyond?
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to answer that question,
but at least I have a new answer to look for;
a goal to strive towards;
a mystery to inspire.
And with that I have finally accepted this feeling.
This neglected part of my soul.
I can finally admit it:
I still love her and I want her more than anything else this world or beyond can offer.
I have rejected this feeling for far too long,
and my soul has been torn because of it.
But now that I have accepted this aspect of my being,
I can finally heal.
But even more importantly,
I can grow.
Although I want her more than anything,
I now actually believe that I don’t need her.
I have been given time,
and it will be spent regardless of her.
I’ve found my purpose.
I’ve answered my calling;
If I died today,
I would rest peacefully,
knowing that I have achieved fulfillment from life.
I’ve decided not to give up.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be with her again;
if I’ll ever again experience that which has surpassed perfection.
But if it does happen, I know this:
I am not here because fate decided what is best.
I am here because I’ve decided for myself.
Fate cannot be ignored or rejected,
but it can be overcome and surpassed.
And in reaching this conclusion,
I finally have agency over my existence.
I finally have serenity.
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