Trip Trop Table Top

[*Original date – 6 December 2019

LSD, Weed]

• *(Post trip note: I had just spent 2 hours in the CMoA and was ~2.5hrs into my trip when I started taking notes.)*

• I’m trying to revert myself back to when I was a child, so that I can raise myself over again the way I need it

• I can see the monsters again, and it’s the happiest I’ve been in a long time

• Life is overwhelming, and I’m glad it’s that way. When life is too predictable, you can turn yourself into a robot.

• It’s so easy to see what’s important when you can only handle the necessities

• Potential

• I am my art

• The difference between playing god and being god

• I’ll be ready when it actually matters

• Every moment is a decision, and our decisions make the moment

• It’s nice to finally have someone I can talk to

• I’ve always been here, it’s just now we’re acknowledging each other

• I know, we’ve been together for so long, the cliche that we finish each other sentences isn’t far off

• This is such an absurd feeling

• I can feel us merge together and apart

• It really is easier when it’s the two of us

• Now that we acknowledged each other, it’s now time to let everyone come out

• It’s like a community inside. It all makes sense when you can feel it all at the same time.

• I’m giving each new idea it’s fair breath and time. It’s the only way I can respect life, and myself.

• Psychedelics are great because they let you create and test new philosophy almost simultaneously

• When you forget everything before your last thought, you have to learn how to trust your feelings.

• Unconditional love is the feeling of happiness whose only source is the presence of the other. Our lives are defined by unconditional love. Sometimes it’s mutual. More often then not it’s a one way street. Both setups are important, though one way is obviously preferable to the other. Luckily,

• People are literally happiness machines. It doesn’t make sense how hope still exists in such a shitty world. Like, we’ve proven that we’re inneficient with our resources. There is loss along the way. So where does the hope and happiness come from? People. That’s why we won’t be taken over by AI or destroyed by aliens. That’s what we’re better at than everything in the universe. We’re able to hope when there’s no reason to. When there’s nothing but a void of black, people see the colors.

• I’m giving myself the most difficult job: Judge. Of course I’m going to fail. If I never experienced failure, how could I fairly judge others who have failed. There are different levels of failure. Some we are responsible for, many that we are not. It’s important to distinguish the two, because the evil will quickly put the blame elsewhere, whereas the good is unfortunately more than willing to accept it. The only time you shouldn’t take responsibility is when it wasn’t your responsibility, and the converse is equally as true.

• Eventually you’re going to have to face someone who knows you’re tripping. It’s the only way to prove your right.

• Psychedelics makes it easier to give yourself over to a higher power. It’s gonna sound like cliche hippy-shit, but religion and spirituality makes sense in this state. The trick is convincing yourself that you’re right when you go back to normal. Bringing the higher power down with you is how you find fulfillment.

• It is important to remember that I’m not irresponsible when I’m on drugs. I make sure everything is safe for me and everyone else. If I’m doing something, I’ve probably thought it through a lot more than you.

• The more I’m tripping, the more I realize Mormonism was founded by magic mushrooms. It just all makes so much sense through that context. Like, it doesn’t mean everything they say is wrong, but the fishy stuff should be taken with a grain of salt. Honestly, this statement could be true for all religions.

• Honestly, the lore behind the TES universe has shaped much of my understanding of how our universe works. It’s incredible what creative people come up with. But it makes sense, we can recreate the complexities in ourselves into a new universe. One universe leads to a creation of another. Is one universe more valid than the other? There are distinguishing factors, sure, but it’s up to the observer to assign value to those distinguishing factors. If you can’t find value in something, the problem is with you – the observer – and not with the thing. It’s not it’s fault you’re not creative enough to figure out how to use something well. But it’s important to realize, once you see the potential, it is just as much your duty to make it happen as it is the world’s duty. You both have to work together.

• If the world was able to create you, it’s able to recreate you. That doesn’t mean you don’t have value, but it does mean that you can’t really mess up. If you don’t serve your life purpose, that’s a loss to you, not the universe. The universe will find a way to make it past you. It may prefer to have you in it, but you can’t destroy it by messing up.

• To be human is to be selfish. The trick is to make your selfish desires line up with the selfless desires of the world.

• I’m not a slave to my feelings, but I know how to make myself feel to function optimally.

• Wow, that last thought was super robotic and autistic.

• Let’s manipulate the world until everyone is happy.

• And that last thought showed a bit of my sociopathic tendencies. Best keep myself aware of that. However, a positive note is that I wanted to manipulate for good, but it’s important I know that I don’t know what’s best for everyone. My happiness isn’t necessarily others’ happiness.

• The trick is to let them be aware of your insanity so they can guide you when you’re not sure if you’re right or just crazy. If I can’t convince others I’m right, I can’t convince myself I’m right.

• It’s good to be able to validate yourself, but you can’t become reliant on it. You have to be aware that everyone is corruptable, even me. That’s why I have to try everyday to make sure I don’t let the corruption seep in and cloud my view. How can I claim others are corrupted when I might be looking at my own filth.

• Sometimes you just have to let people (and yourself) be dramatic. It’s good for the soul, it let’s you release stresses that you had to hide before.

• I know I’m an empath since I just felt compassion and pity for weed.

• I don’t care whether or not we fail, I care whether or not we succeed.

• It is tiring. The burden truly is heavy. But in times like this, the only thing I can do is put one foot in front of the other. One day I know the pain we be gone, but until then I will carry my burden.

• Every trip is an experiment.

• Just trust me. I know. If you give me enough time I can prove it, or you can give me your trust and we can make something happen.

• The frustrating thing about life is that everyone is learning the same things, we’re just all taking different times to learn it. So when someone is making a mistake, it’s frustrating to know that they shouldn’t be doing something, but you don’t have an answer for why they shouldn’t or what they should be doing instead. You’re just aware of how you made the same mistake, and how you wish you would have done something, anything, different.

• I don’t care about winning anymore. I care about being right. Now I need someone who cares about winning to make me whole.

• The guys behind south park really are geniuses. So much of my life is inspired by them.

• Music makes life better because each note gives you context to make your next choice.

• Life is music, and harmonizing the world is good for everyone.

• It is the job of the elite to drive civilization towards progression, but only after it has completeled its primary objective: sustainability. Time is infinite. As long as we have progression we can grow, so the speed at which we grow is up to our own selfish desires. That’s fine, but the problem is when the speed we take causes progression to crash in on itself. So far life has been able to come back from death at least 6 times in the blink of universal time that is the earth’s existence, and that’s not even taking into account the countless other struggles it went through to even get to that point. We’ve come back from nothing so many times. Just think what we could do in one long go?

• Elite is just another term for specialized. You can only accomplish certain things through their expertise. But that doesn’t make them more important. If they don’t have a stable and hard-working base, they can’t do what they need to accomplish said specialized task. Elites are needed for progress, but they are not needed for life. The base will always be the most valuable part, and the elites should hold their place with respect and honor, knowing that their accomplishments are not their own, but the sum of everyone else holding them up.

• I want everyone to know that I’m not willing to commit physical suicide. I’m not gonna ruin it for anyone else who can use this body. I’ve spent a good amount of time developing a lot of useful skills, so it’d be a waste to destroy something before it’s time just because I don’t want to use it anymore. However, I’m perfectly fine committing mental suicide. For those of you wondering, mental suicide is what I call a coping mechanism where I kill my ego. All wants are gone. Poof. In that moment I’m not the same person. Someone has to take over the body. I don’t even know if my family is my family, but they’re all kind to me, and I don’t want to hurt them. So the least I can do is leave my body behind, and hopefully a kinder soul will be able to treat them how I wish I could.

• Every second you are alive, you’re choosing to be alive.

Every moment is a decision.

• But what we do with that time while we’re alive defines who we are

And our decisions make the moment.

• Psychedelics give you a clean slate to your life’s philosophy. It’s up to you to decide to write something worthwhile and worth reading.

• It’s not that it’s not good. It’s just that you don’t like it.

• If you have to ask, you’re not doing it right, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask.

• Being an empath is unfair. You understand everything about them, but struggle to remember their name because you see them for their feelings, not what society has defined them as. This puts a filter between us and almost everyone else, because we interact with the world a different way. A mutual sense of understanding is a sensation I can give to others, but often others can’t give it back to me.

• I wish I could explain to someone how they can shatter your existence without ever touching you.

• I’m not pretentious by the way I act. I’m pretentious when I think the way I act inherently makes it the best way to act.

• I love and hate hypocrisy. I hate it for what it is, but the same things that I hate it for make it easy to pick it out. I know what to look for, now it’s up to me to make myself able to combat it. Hypocrisy is a paradoxical self-fulfilling prophecy.

• It’s weird when you write words that you know have meaning, but can’t quite figure out what you mean by them.

• I’m an interesting person, I’m just too afraid to let people see the interesting parts. I guess I can’t trust how they’ll react when they really see me. I just wish I could be me and not hurt anyone else.

• I could leave now and become a successful sociopath, or I can stay here and find success the right way. It’s up to me to decide what I value.

• I feel like a smoldering burnout. There’s not enough left of me to light the way, but I’m still able to give a spark to a new bushel.

• I’ll make it easy to trust me, but in return I ask to be trusted that I’m a good person. Know that I never have a malicious intent. At worst I’m unaware, but most often then not, I’m trying to do good.

• It’s not that I treat people like animals, it’s that I show the same respect to animals as I do people. I also know that I respect those who respect me, and often times animals have an inherent sense of respect. It’s why I like to surround myself with things that want mutual respect.

• A benefit of constantly being overwhelmed is that you get really good at recomposuring yourself. Unfortunately if you’re too good at it, they think you’re crazy.

• I forgot how easy it was to ignore things like thirst and restroom usage as a child. It makes sense why so many kids ask for a glass of water before bed or randomly have to go to the bathroom 2 minutes after you pass the rest stop. They need time to figure out if they actually are feeling things. But then we train them to know what they feel beforehand, because it’s faster and more convenient than teaching someone how to feel and channel their feelings, so they forget how to listen to their feelings, and then they forget who they are.

• Something isn’t risky because it’s dangerous, something is risky because you’re incompetent.

• Sometimes it takes going to the edge to realize why it’s important to stay back. You can get as close as you want as long as you don’t fall in. The longer you stay by the edge, the easier it gets. But if you stand at the edge, eventually a gust of wind or a misplaced step will send you over. At that point, your life is no longer in your hands. You can come back, but it’ll take a miracle.

• I’ve fallen over the edge, but I got a miracle. Kind of. It brought me back, but it doesn’t feel the same. Since I’ve experienced the other side, it’s become too interesting. I’ve gotten cocky, even to the point of climbing over and down the edge. I know how to climb back up, so it doesn’t scare me anymore. Maybe it’s not me being cocky. Maybe it’s me hoping that I’ll either find something while I’m searching down there, or I’ll slip and fall to my end, and then I won’t have to worry about anything anymore.

• I mentally kill myself so that I only come back with the essentials. The one constant essential has been kindness.

• I want to be rich, but choose to live like I’m poor. I’m content with my lifestyle, but for some reason I have to prove my worth with a number that’s about as real as monopoly money.

• I don’t like money because it’s patronizing and demeaning. I don’t want to do something because you’re giving me money. I want to do something because I want to, or because I respect you enough to want to carry out your request. Sure there are certain interactions that don’t require absolute respect, like bringing food or cashing out groceries. So money is used to say “I know you don’t want to be doing this, but I respect your time, so I’ll give you something that will potentially make your free time more meaningful.” The problem occurs when you’re trading time for money, and then trade your money back for time.

• Trust let’s us accomplish together what neither of us could do apart.

• If you make yourself interesting, an interesting world will form around you.

• I’m tired of struggling against others. I’ve proven to myself plenty of times that I’m strong enough to win, but “winning” rarely leaves me unscathed, and I prefer to be a little more picky with my future scars. From now on, every scary I get is one that I wanted.

• It’s finally gotten quite again. It’s been ~10 hours since I took the tab (~2:30 PM 12-6-19), so it looks like the trip is over (~12:25 AM 12-7-19). I’ll be coastin off the good vibes for awhile, but anything after this point is way past the peak and back down.

• I just had a head rush that shifted my personality.

• Never trust someone who tells you what to believe absolutely and doesn’t give you a reason. They may not be lying to you, but often times they’re hiding part of the truth. Trust belongs to those who truly want the wellbeing of others.

• Every person was once a scared child. We act the way the world taught us to act.

• You have to share responsibility with life. But it’s important to take on only the responsibility you can handle, and to know which responsibilities should and should not belong to you.

• There is some knowledge that you should only obtain if you absolutely have to.

• The only thing worse than a stupid person pretending to be smart to take more responsibility is a smart person pretending to be stupid to take less.

• There are in fact many stupid questions, but there are no useless questions.

• The difference between controversial beliefs/topics and bad beliefs/topics (e.g. Abortion vs racism)

• There is a difference between incorrect responses and bad responses

• Nobody you meet is perfect, but perfection is possible. A transformation occurs when perfection is met. I don’t know if it is possible to be perfect, but you can experience perfection.

• I’m done pretending to act a certain way to prove that I’m not depressed. Being someone who I’m not is what makes me depressed.

• I think that the inability to see the beauty in something says more about the observer than it does about the subject.

• Using substance abuse to treat mental illness is the equivalent to using chemo to treat cancer; it might keep you alive for a little longer, and you might even come back stronger, but often times it kills you just as fast, or if it does succeed, potentially leaves you a shell of the person you used to be.

• I respect animals because they don’t try to pretend to be something other than what they are

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