[*Original date – 7 May 2020
• Life sucks, but it’s also the greatest thing you’ll experience
• I think my personalities speak to me through music. The reason certain songs catch my attention, and why I’ll listen to the same set of songs for so long, is that I feel something that must be a personality trying to tell me something. Once I stop feeling that unique pull is when I finally understand them. But I often forget the lessons, and that’s why I’ll feel the pull again to go back to old music
• I think the reason I decided to focus on bettering my mental health is that my depressed self stopped telling me new things. Depression is a trap because it’s cyclical. It will always pull you in a direction, in essence moveing you “forward,” but after awhile you realize you’ve been moving aimlessly in a circle and really haven’t moved anywhere new at all. Everything feels practically the same, only slightly different since time has passed. That’s why my depressed memories are so blury; they’re really years’ worth of memories overlapping.
Depression keeps you busy in the sense that it takes up your time. It lets you move but it never really gets you anywhere new. If you define your life as the time between birth and death, then depression lets you “experience life” in the sense that if you have already experienced birth, you will eventually die no matter how you use your time. Since everything feels the same no matter where you go, you decide to stop moving at all. People say life is short, but it’s unbearably long if you don’t use your time in a productive way.
• I just realized the reason I stopped taking my Adderall is that I knew I was abusing it to handle my depression. When I was on an Adderall binge, I felt energized and alive, even after 3 days without sleeping. But since I relied on my Adderall to give me energy, I neglected myself. I didn’t need to eat well, exercise, sleep, or really take care of myself at all. This worked fine when I was younger and still in soccer shape, but I finally realized it wasn’t sustainable. As my body degraded, my reliance on Adderall increased, and coming down became worse and worse. After coming down, I wasn’t tired, I was exhausted. I wasn’t sore, I had debilitating aches. Walking up stairs felt like I ran a mile, sometimes even making me puke. Because coming down became too difficult, I put it off. All-nighter binges turned into multiple day binges, but all that did was make coming down that much worse. It clicked that I couldn’t do this anymore. My body felt damaged, not hurt, and I guess that finally woke me up. So I quit cold turkey and stopped filling my prescriptions. I was planning on getting it out of my system long enough to where I felt normal enough where I could start taking it again, but in a more responsible way. But I kept waiting, and waiting, and waiting, but the normal feeling wasn’t coming back. This time the exhaustion wasn’t going away, and eventually I ran out of energy to keep myself going. The depression finally broke through and surrounded me. I tried to stay afloat, but eventually I slipped under. I felt like I was drowning, but for some reason I didn’t let myself die even though that seemed like the only way to escape the torture of constant drowning. I refused to die because I didn’t thing I deserved the relief. But that same logic that kept me alive, kept me from bettering myself. I didn’t deserve the relief of death nor the happiness of life. So I let myself continue to drown.
It might sound weird, but when you refuse death, you kind of become “good” at drowning. It’s still miserable, but since the misery is constant, you start to feel numb to it. Eventually, misery is normal. Life became easy to live constantly miserable. Eventually I became so good at it that I learned to go on autopilot. After that, life wasn’t miserable, it was boring. In my boredom when I couldn’t distract myself, I would think. Thinking is kinda like building. You can only build with the supplies you have in the same way you can only think with the knowledge you know…. (finish later)
• The use of personalities as memory storage
• I am complex in my simplicity
• Maybe I should find all of the pieces before I start trying to fix it. (thought on why I have difficulty explaining even my simplest thoughts in an easily understood and orderly manner)
• No matter how much I change, you’re still the only constant.
• If I’m being honest with myself, I want (Her). No one had ever made me feel the way she did, and I don’t know if anyone else ever will. Now I’m not saying I’m incapable of loving other people. One thing that I’m proud of is that my heart is full of love. Just that I don’t know if I’ll be able to love someone in the way that feels the same. It’s weird, because I think it’s possible to fall in love with someone else who makes me just as happy, maybe happier, in a way that leads to marriage, just that it will be a different type of love, if only slightly.
Maybe this is what’s so special about first love
• I’m also not saying it’s impossible to feel that same exact feeling with someone else, but that’s not something you can plan for or force, nor when it happens. We don’t get to choose this feeling. It happens almost by chance. Sometimes it’s like a spark, or maybe a flicker when a stranger walks by. It’s gone so quick, you question if you really felt something. Sometimes it never happens at all. I got that chance, and even if it lasted for just a moment, my spark caught fire, and felt its unique warmth. So I count myself lucky for not only the time I had it, but also for experiencing it so early. I still have so much time for another moment of magic to happen. Another spark that actually ignites. But I’ve decided to let it find me rather than me go look for it. I still probably want to experience that feeling more than anything, but it’s not the only thing I want to experience. There’s so much to explore in the world, and even more beyond. And while exploring, whether or not I experience that unique love, I’ll experience so many different types of loves from so many different types of people. It might not be the same, but it’s the real reason we live – not to share love with one person, but to share love with the world. This unique love is just the bow on top of the gift of life.
And in the end, after I’ve explored all that I could, and experienced all the different love along the way, I’ll be able look back at my life satisfied and fulfilled, even if I never experience what I want most.
• Now where do I go from here?
• More thoughts on the “unique love”: Even though I’ve never experienced this myself, I imagine the closest feeling to this unique love is when someone sees their child for the first time. The way I’ve heard it described sounds incredible. It’s like a switch flips, and you’re instantly filled with a pool of unconditional love. It’s like there’s a part of you that you didn’t know was cold and dark until that spark lit a fire that warmed you in a way you never knew you wanted or was even possible.
• The more I think about the similarities, the more I think that the feeling of love after seeing your child for the first time might actually be greater. I obviously don’t know since I don’t have a kid. But it sorta reminds me when I mentioned I thought it was possible to find someone who makes me even happier, but I don’t know what that feels like, so I don’t know how to want it. That part of me has never been warm, so I can’t feel the cold. It’s kinda like my thoughts on having my own kids. I want kids, and maybe I’ll find someone to start a family with, but I’m fine with never having kids if it doesn’t work out. I still have nieces and nephews to love, and even if I never experience the love of seeing my own child for the first time, I won’t be disappointed with my life. I’ll still experience other types of love, and since I never had a kid, I won’t know what the absence of that love feels like. However, if I ever do have kids, I can’t even fathom the feelings of despair and emptiness that would come from losing someone who fills me with the warmth of an even greater love.
• The reason I like the weed/Adderall combo is that the weed let’s my mind wander while the Adderall let’s me focus on things long enough to write them down
• I think all philosophers develop multiple selves in a sense.
• I’m tired of people sacrificing children for their own selfish desires
• The problem with asking people they’re opinions on controversial topics is that they really don’t care or think about it, so they end up just agreeing with their friends. Agreeing with an opinion is much different than forming an opinion, or even believing an opinion. What triggered this thought is the pro-life vs pro-choice debate. I have my own opinions on it, but I recognize that both sides have valid reasons for existing. Unfortunately, even though there are valid and good reasons on both sides, it appears that most of policies and representation related to pro-life exists for all the wrong reasons. Many laws related to abortion at passed by people who have never given the thought more than a couple minutes. They don’t care, because it doesn’t affect them. They don’t choose their opinion based on the genuinely good reasons that exist, but rather because they think it will get the more votes. Republican congress doesn’t represent pro-life, but rather bribes them for their votes.
• An opinion isn’t good based on what it is. It’s good because of the way it was formed. I can disagree with an opinion and still think it’s a good opinion. Likewise, I can agree with an opinion, but disagree with why they have it.
• I think people having multiple “personalities” or “selves” is more common than we realize. Even though we naturally develop our self/identity, building our structure of being which is expressed through our personality, there is such a lack of understanding of being and self that we only notice complex structures of being when it is unstable (i.e. Suffering from mental illness). Having a complex structure of being with multiple individual and unique selves doesn’t make you mentally ill. It becomes mental illness when you can no longer support the structure, whether it’s due to outside trauma, personal health neglect, or even a rouge self-sabotauging acting against itself and the structure of being as a whole.
• One reason my writing style… Is that when I write, I’m not explaining my thoughts, I’m discovering them. The way my thought process works is that I’ll let thoughts passively brew in the back of my head for a long time. I’ll check on how a thought is developing, and add any new info that I happen to come across, but other than that, I leave my mind to synthesize the information and create a thought resulting from knowledge gained from the simulations and interactions between old and new information. With some thoughts, I’ll be more proactive and involved in the brewing process. This more proactive development of the thought allows me to actively shape it in a way that makes sense to me. It’s also easier to recreate the thought since I had to actively develop the logical structure of the thought
• However, I’m not a big fan of that first thought process. I don’t dislike it, sometimes I actually really enjoy it, but I feel like. The problem with actively developing a thought is you already know all the little details that make it tick. It’s nice to see it finished, and it gives an incredible understanding and mastery over the thought, but every future interaction with that thought will be nearly the same as the first. Actively formed thoughts tend to be a closed system. This is useful for recreating the thought and getting rid ambiguity to create a clear message. However, I believe organizing a thought as you’re creating it ends up limiting you. If you proactively participate in developing a thought, you generally have a vision of what you’re trying to create. This ends up guiding your thought process because even if you don’t know the details, you know where you’re going to end up. , but when you finally see it completed, and you don’t get much more out of exploring the thought
• When the thought starts to brew, I rarely know when it will actually turn into something. I put it in the back of my mind next to all the other thoughts. If it’s an especially interesting thought, I’ll come check in on it relatively regularly. But many thoughts sit the back, forgotten until I come across randomly related info that clicks the part of your brain that goes “yeah, I’ve heard that before.” I’ll go add the new info to the pot and then let it brew until chance reminds me of it with another new bit of knowledge related to it. The brewing time of a thought can be vaguely estimated at best and drastically changes from one batch to another, even if the same “ingredients” are being used. A thought instantly brews when given information. Sometimes it takes hours, days, weeks, months, even years. As the thought brews, I add whatever knowledge I learn about it. Thoughts brew differently. Sometimes a thought will brew however long it takes to gather all the ingredients, i.e. Relevant information. If you have all of the ingredients at the beginning, then you’ll be able to brew the thought practically instantly. There might be some knowledge needed to combine the ingredients in the proper way, but the completion of the thought is determined directly by having all the relevant information. What that means is that although it’s relatively quick and easy to form a thought if you have all the information and know how that info relates and fits together from the beginning, the reverse is true. If you don’t have all of the info, and/or you don’t know how it works together, then the thought can brew indefinitely. I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon related to thoughts coming to fruition after years of waiting for the one missing piece that binds everything you have. Some thoughts have been brewing so long that your forget what ingredients you already added. You start throwing random bits of info in the mix, because it’s been so long you assume the thought was just a dud. The interesting phenomenon I mentioned occurs when you unexpectedly and unknowingly add the final ingredient needed to finish the thought. When you drop the last ingredient in, something finally
• I’m fully confident in my ability to learn how to do any task, no matter what it might entail or how contradictory it might be to my natural disposition and skills. The ability to reorient my perspective to efficiently learn information or a new skill has helped me succeed through most of my life, but I’ve reached a point where I prefer not to unless I have to. It’s not that I don’t want to work hard or step out of my comfort zone. It’s that a natural and general interaction with the world matters much more to me now. Even though this skill is incredibly useful, an over reliance on it during my daily life has left unwanted shadows. Social interaction has never been easy for me, but especially not when I was younger. Social interactions terrifyed and overwhelmed me, but the fear of being seen as a weird social outcast led me to spend my free time studying and imagining interactions from multiple perspectives, and then learning how to mimic the traits that every perspective seemed to agree they like. Once I learned how to mimic perspectives, I started learning how to identify people’s perspectives while interacting with them. Mimicing made it easier to blend in, but actively switching perspectives gave me type of adaptability to act “normal” without acting like a robot following a limited selection of commands. These little micro-adaptations brought a real sense of life to my acting. It was interesting, because as I noticed my mimicry and perspective switching became more and more effortless, people seemed to be kinder and more relaxed when interacting with me. Even though I still felt the same social anxieties, I guess my act looked natural enough to work. Since every social interaction was a chance to test myself and learn something new about it, I ended putting on my act constantly. It became so natural that I didn’t realize that I was doing it involuntarily.
• Our purpose in life isn’t to die, but rather to learn how to accept death. And it is not to accept death in defeat or in resignation, but rather as the final gift life has to offer.
• The duality of being both a person and an object
• How you judge others says more about you than it does about the.