Dream Journal – Spring 2018

[*Context
Dreams from Spring 2018
Melatonin]

• 4/28/2018
• I’ve had at least 4 vivid dreams where I’ve gotten a girlfriend, and just as many where I hung out with my old friends. I’m so happy in these dreams. One dream I remember feeling so calm and at peace, like I had never had anxiety. If anything, it’d be the feeling completely opposite of anxiety. I had been taken to a sacred grove by a mysterious girl I met who I instantly fell in love with. I can’t describe how incredible it felt there, like I never wanted to leave. Once I come to my senses and realize it was just a dream, I feel so empty, like something has been ripped out of my chest. The sudden change in reality and my feelings is so jarring. I wake up sad, depressed, or hopeless before the day starts or even before I can get out of bed. If it’s still early enough, I try to sleep again, just so I can squeeze out the last bit of joy that I get when asleep. I’m clearly starved for the love I used to feel for and from those that had been closest to me.
• One dream ended with my mom kicking me hard enough that I started to bleed, blaming me until she saw the blood, and then freaking out and trying to call an ambulance while I was against the idea of going. I just wanted to cover up the wound and keep walking, but more and more blood started to come out and completely soaked through my pant leg. It’s not hard to see where this dream comes from, considering recent events
• An earlier part of the dream had me fighting a terrible monster. His power was overwhelming, so much so that he held back just to prolong the fight since he took pleasure in hurting me. I felt hopeless, but kept fighting because I was trying to protect someone. At one point, I was speared through the head and to the wall. My perspective switched to the person I was protecting, and I was sure I was dead. I could now feel her emotions: simultaneously indescribably sad at my death, and terrified of what was to come. The monster knew she was weaker than me, so he was going to take his time to torture her. But at the last moment, I somehow came back and stopped him. The idea of him torturing her filled me with rage and some hidden power that wasn’t there before. I wasn’t able to kill him, but I did somehow send him deep into space. It’s quite possible that I was all the of the participants in this fight.
• A part after this included me going into space. I landed on the planet to only discover that it was a giant cancer mass. It, too, terrified me, so I jumped from it to another planet only to find out it was more of the same. Suddenly there were hundreds of planets in close proximity, with every one I stepped on being diseased. It got to the point that I was terrfied to even try to step on the next planet for fear of what new horror I’d find. This went on for a while until my brain decided to reset the dream in a new setting. Maybe space was full of disease because I sent the monster there. Maybe space represents the deep parts of my mind that I try not to pay too much attention to. A place to temporarily hide the monster that I can’t destroy, allowing it to fester and grow in the background.
• The thing I find interesting about my dreams is that I don’t have time to dissect my thoughts and feelings while in them. I just have to experience them and let my mind create the scenarios that fit those feelings.
• I was exploring dark tunnels with someone I had met in the dream. I don’t know why we were exploring, but I remember I felt like I needed to find something, an answer to a mystery. For some reason, the person was really against the idea of exploring the tunnels, and preferred to explore the area around the tunnels. She was afraid we would die if we did. For some reason, I was confident we wouldn’t, but either way I wasn’t afraid of the possibility of dieing. My thought process was I would either succeed and find what I want, or I would fail and die, but if I failed I wouldn’t be alive long enough to regret the decision. We eventually began exploring, but then suddenly we got separated. I don’t know why, but I had been starting to get suspicious of the person. I wondered why she was so certain we’d die. When I found her, she was hiding behind something in a dark corner. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines that no one could ever truly accept or love her. She then turned into a beast-like ape and began attacking me. I realized people died down here because of her. It didn’t feel like she wanted to kill anyone, but she would just lose control in this place. As I was running away, I was somehow able to grab a bar that was out of her reach. When she jumped, she was barely able to grab to my pant leg and hold on. I saw a small opening with light coming through and knew it was my only chance out. I was able to make it to the opening, but I felt too weak to pull myself up and kick the ape off of me. I saw someone watching me through the opening, so I asked them to help pull me out. They told me that I had gotten myself into this situation, and that I needed to pull myself out with my own strength. During all of this, a raging fire had started under me and the beast. I knew if only I could kick the beast off that I’d be able to pull myself out. However, I wasn’t able to. I ended up waking up before I was able to either kick off the beast and escape or give into my weakness and fall into the flames below. I guess it could mean that I woke up stuck in purgatory. Unable to rid myself of the beast that prevented me from getting to the opening that led to freedom (i.e. Heaven) but just strong enough to prevent myself from falling to the fires of hell below. ~> (there was a part one to this dream which is where I met the person and ended with me deciding whether we’d explore the tunnels, but I can’t remember what we did or why we ended up by the tunnels in the first place)
• Other recurring dreams I’ve had involved me getting in some sort of crash, whether it was a plane crash or a car crash. Recently, the crashes have involved me and the vehicle spinning through the air. However, when the crash is occurring, everything goes into slow motion. I don’t aware that I’m in a serious and dangerous situation, but I not frightened at all. If anything, I’m extremely calm. I don’t know if it’s because I assume I’ll make it out safe enough, or the fact that I know I have zero control over the situation so I accept whatever fate befalls me.
• Another recurring dream, though more spread out and sporadic, involves exploring an underwater house. At first I try to hold my breath, but I eventually take a breath and realize I can still breath. The house somehow feels familiar, but when I think back on it, the layout and furnishings of the house don’t remind me of any place I’ve lived or visited. Often times supernatural elements are incorporated. I also tend to have a slight feeling of anxiety, but never fear, even when the supernatural elements present themselves in an ominous way. I feel like I’m never scared in these dreams because of the mix of slight familiarity, along with the excitement of exploring a place that feels like ancient ruins.
• This next recurring dream is one I used to have as child, but haven’t had since I was about 10 or younger. I don’t know if it’s still relevant now, but it had such a strong effect on me that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It involved driving down a country road. While looking out of the window, I would see the head of some creature pop out of the ground every so often. I don’t know what it was, but it terrified me because I knew it was following me. The last time I ever had the dream, the creature eventually got into the car. It told me to not be afraid, and then I woke up. Since then, I don’t think I’ve ever had that dream again.

• 4/29/2018
• I woke up after having been shot 3-4 times. I had been sonewhat antagonizing to everyone in the car, and eventually one person was kicked out. The person who shot me was trying to say something to me, but I refused to listen and just ignored him. It set him off, and he pulled out a gun, shot me, then started to shoot everyone else in the car. (possible interpretation): Everyone in the car represented different aspects of me. The person kicked out might have been a part of me that I entirely rejected, while the person who shot me was the part of me trying to bring attention to itself, but lost his cool when he realized people would only acknowledge him by going over the top with his response to his anger of being ignored.

• 5/2/18
• Most violent dream yet. First time I didn’t switch perspectives. Truly feared for my life.
The first part of my dream involved me getting to climb over a fence, but I ended up cutting my hand at the top. Once it healed, I had the same scar on my hand as I do in real life from cutting myself.

After my hand had been dealt with, I ran into my parents. Something happened, and I accidently hurt my mom. She ran away, and I was poised to fight with my dad. We both had weapons, so we were both unwilling to make the first move because, if we failed/missed with the first hit, then we would have been seriously hurt or killed by the second hit. Eventually, I was able to leave them with no direct/physical confrontation with my dad.

A few things happened in the intermittent between my parents and the next significant event. The only thing that really stuck out was witnessing an extremely drunken man in a mall-like area. He was a soccer player, and his friends wanted to do sprints to prepare for their game, but he was only interested in drinking, having fun, and talking to groups of girls. His friends were clearly getting fed up with his behavior.

Following this came my next confrontation. There were a group of 5 or 6 people sitting and talking, and for some reason I started to antagonize them. I tried to run away, but they were always right behind me. I eventually gave up, went into a defensive/fetal position, and accepted whatever fate was to become of me. I honestly thought they were going to kill me.

I took some beating, but one of them noticed I wasn’t putting up a fight anymore. He was able to stop his friends from killing me. The next part of my dream involve interactions with him.

Before the parts with this individual, there was another few intermittent parts like before. I used my credit card to buy something. When I got the item I purchased, I was also given $40. The cashier was on the phone, and I realized it was my parents. They set it up that I was to be given the $40, but my credit card was being locked. I wasn’t told this specifically, but I could somehow hear the conversation.
(as a side note, when I was waiting in line to buy the thing, I kept hearing people talking about a party for Noah, but I didn’t know if they were talking about me or a different Noah. I not quite sure what this part could mean, but it’s one of the intermittent parts that I vividly remember).

Following the purchase, I ended up sitting at a table with the individual that saved my life. The setting was similar to the mall-like area before, but this time it was more of a food court area of the mall. He wanted to know why I had been acting the way I had, and so I started telling him. I told him about my depression, and that although it didn’t seem like it, I did feel like I was taking steps to treat it. I began crying which drew the attention of a girl, and she came over to see what was wrong. She had gone through the same thing, and she emphasized with me. The conversation with her gave me confidence that I’d come out OK once I got through this.
(another side note, at the table the me and the person who saved me were sitting at was a different girl I didn’t recognize. I never spoke to her, but I assumed she was a friend of the person.)

My third and final confrontation then came following these conversations and my new found confidence. I saw two friends who were being restrained and hurt by two other people. I stepped into help them, and this was the first time I actually fought back in a confrontation. Since we outnumbered them, we won the fight in a landslide. However, I was incredibly violent, and continued to attack them even when we had clearly won. The only reason I stopped was and when someone else came into the room. I tossed the person I was holding aside, and they fell to the ground limp, but alive. I don’t know how long or far I would have gone without that small intervention.

I’m not sure if anything else happened in the dream after that. I know there were parts to the dream that happened before I hurt my hand, but my memory of those are vague and foggy at best.

• 5/14/18
• Giant swirling sculpture

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